When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to change into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so critical about this dedication that I bought our largest rental property to unencumber time. This property was alleged to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time college in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to mirror on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
To begin with, fathers will all the time be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, similar to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied duties.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time caring for his youngsters than he does on his job or different actions. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week caring for his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and facet hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on caring for his youngsters. He would possibly work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours together with his youngsters after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 25 hours every week of kid time. That is a protracted 65 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Varieties Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Based mostly on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing numerous work to care for his or her youngsters and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s known as a Supplier’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to supply to various levels.
It is usually clear that being a part-time father just isn’t a destructive. Most dads work full-time to care for their household. In the meantime, spending 25 hours every week with their youngsters is way more than the common dad in America spends together with his youngsters every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, when you’re a bodily and mentally ready father who does not work a lot and does not spend time together with your youngsters, that may most likely be considered negatively. Nevertheless, I do not consider any father studying this web site would select to shirk each work and childcare duties.
Once you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge accountability of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of earning money. Each choices could engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to search out a perfect stability.
Primary Objective: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought-about being full-time fathers however are nervous in regards to the transition because of monetary worries and societal judgment. My objective is to provide males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they wish to.
Simply take a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that exhibits solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of ladies who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary stress to supply and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the share could be a lot nearer to the share of ladies who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Entire
Occasions are altering, with extra ladies attending school than males and extra ladies incomes larger salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on the earth.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There’s additionally an amazing worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic approach to stay. With the ability to communicate your thoughts and be who you wish to be are a few of the strongest advantages of monetary independence. This freedom to stay one’s true self can also be top-of-the-line causes for dwelling in San Francisco, the place there’s a higher acceptance of individuals of all kinds.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at residence to lift their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you would possibly really feel as a full-time father in the course of the first three years of your kid’s life.
I take advantage of the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their youngsters to preschool by then, though daycare can also be a typical childcare possibility.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment together with your youngster, full therapeutic of the umbilical wire, determining feeding and sleep patterns, creating a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There is no such thing as a tougher job than full-time parenthood
If you happen to’re a brand new dad, the challenges will be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper adjustments to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may also be sleep-deprived as your toddler wakes up each two to 4 hours.
After I labored in banking, the hours had been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been all the time breaks the place I may unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week in the course of the preliminary years. You possibly can attempt to nap when your toddler is sleeping, however there isn’t a assure you’ll sleep.
In the meantime, the price of wanting away for greater than three seconds may end in damage or worse to your youngster. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Dying Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot larger for a full-time mum or dad if they don’t seem to be doing their job.
If I miss a telephone name from a big shopper, no massive deal. I can all the time name my shopper again or e mail them. However there won’t be any approach again when you look away from a toddler.
Put together to your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you have to mentally and bodily put together for the final word problem. Learn as many books as you may about parenthood. Be taught parenting strategies that require persistence, understanding, and love. Get in the very best form of your life to maintain up together with your youngsters’s infinite vitality.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking probably 6 am – 9:30 pm nearly every single day. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of occasions a day for over 1,000 days in a row. Consequently, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You’ll have a tougher time becoming in and feeling welcome
Once you take your toddler to the playground on weekdays, you’ll seemingly be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Based mostly on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll seemingly not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs when you’re seeking to make associates. As your child grows older, you may see them usually because of weekly courses. Therefore, it might be good to get to know them considerably.
If you happen to attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you might also really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads focus on their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day together with your youngsters would possibly really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you are feeling uncomfortable.
You possibly can both lean into your full-time fatherhood function or point out different work endeavors you’re pursuing. As a father, you may’t speak about enjoying pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As an alternative, you have to focus on some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I informed folks I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Purchase This, Not That. I may have stated I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to higher slot in. I additionally did not wish to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a few yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As an alternative of feeling misplaced, you may embrace your function as a major caregiver extra strongly. As you wait to your confidence to develop, be pleased with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a susceptible toddler is a noble factor to do.
3) You may lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in to your labor as a full-time father, you might really feel extra confused at occasions, particularly in case your spouse does not earn a lot or does not work.
Consequently, you may often ask your self when you must return to work. You may do the maths concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn while you’re nonetheless comparatively younger will seemingly overwhelm your need to stay a full-time father, so you’ll seemingly transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your youngster turns three.
At three years outdated, you might gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. If you happen to solely have one youngster, you’ll then really feel a robust accountability to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, if in case you have a number of youngsters, you’ll naturally wish to provide the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did to your first youngster, if doable. Therefore, with two youngsters, you might find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three youngsters, your full-time fatherhood function could prolong to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you should have a troublesome time going again to work that pays you the same wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
Some of the irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that irrespective of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am certain full-time moms really feel the identical approach, as there may be an infinite quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, you might really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true irrespective of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a toddler in your womb for 9 months and birthing a toddler that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and youngster.
You may really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your youngsters select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend together with your youngsters, the extra the rejection will harm.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a stability of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved once in a while, hold the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or associate will not all the time really feel aid or happiness
In your distinctive state of affairs as a full-time father, you might usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. Consequently, you would possibly anticipate your spouse or associate to really feel happier and fewer confused than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or associate will nonetheless really feel sad or confused once in a while as a result of there are infinite childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s laborious to not carry work residence. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or associate could solely know what it is prefer to have a full-time father as a husband or associate and nothing else. Subsequently, she could not respect your efforts as a lot as you anticipate, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In any case, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers could constantly overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my largest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the posh of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. After I wish to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is all the time residence. Moreover, we had the large assist of Silvia, our au pair, in the course of the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel price it
At this level, you would possibly suppose being a full-time father seems like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s growth milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness every thing out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Superb! Then, round eight months outdated, you may be so proud when your youngster lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months outdated, nothing shall be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, once they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you should have the most important proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten periods of making an attempt to show my son the way to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was price greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Road.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your youngster, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I like you.” That is once you really feel a healthful sort of priceless love.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the function of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you may seemingly discover it a rewarding resolution.
Sure, your loved ones will most likely have much less cash with one much less working associate. I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at residence. On the identical time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings via Monetary Samurai and my books. You’ll rationally discover a approach to earn on the facet as properly if you wish to.
For older mother and father, changing into a full-time father can also be an effective way to make up for misplaced time. Considered one of my largest regrets was having youngsters late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you may compensate to your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you may now not be their superhero as they’re going to choose to spend time with associates. Subsequently, you may have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
If you happen to determine throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood just isn’t for you, you may all the time transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to a few years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many staff return to graduate college for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not swimsuit me or if I wanted the earnings, I may have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you may steadily shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your youngsters get older.
For example, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second e-book with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you’re unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father because of the quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and persistence concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend college full-time, you’ll really feel glad figuring out you tried your finest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the children or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our kids will sooner or later go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, sooner or later as adults, they’re going to respect their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you may understand all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I have to fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week shall be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours shall be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate energetic earnings.
This energetic earnings is essential to complement my passive funding earnings and canopy my shortfall in desired dwelling bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of objective now that my fatherhood duties have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, but it surely did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has supplied me with precious insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the lads on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t fret about societal judgments. In the end, comply with your coronary heart and pursue what holds true that means for you. Your youngsters will develop up quicker than you realize!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there another full-time fathers on the market? If you happen to’re at present a part-time father, have you ever ever considered transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you would possibly wish to be a full-time father, your youngsters could already be at school full-time and extra interested by spending time with associates?
Do you suppose there’s a greater hybrid method for fathers to stability childcare and earnings era successfully?
Advice If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
If you happen to’re seeking to change into a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance package deal as a substitute of quitting your job. This fashion, you may have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary nervousness.
My bestselling e-book, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you the way to break away from a job you now not like with a severance package deal. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to avoid wasting $10.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be a part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Monetary Samurai publication. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.
